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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Dog
Lying
Jobs
Around
Dogs

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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
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