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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Anything
Firsts
Annuals
Matter
Annual
First
Attend
Never
Principle
Humor
Principles
Funny

More quotes by George Carlin

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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
George Carlin
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Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
George Carlin
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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