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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Inspirational
Life
World
Sitting
Humor
Stage
Audience
Funny

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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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What year did Jesus think it was?
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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Life is not that complicated.
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Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
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