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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Never
Coats
Think
Thanksgiving
Thinking
Laid
Notice
Bed
Seem
Seems
Ever
More quotes by George Carlin
I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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I don't have hobbies hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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One of the interesting things about outsidership is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off.
George Carlin
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
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The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
George Carlin
What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.
George Carlin
I hope I'm beginning a new cycle of energy and creativity. If so, it'll really be my third career. The first was as a straight comic in the Sixties. The second was as a counterculture performer in the Seventies. The third will be...well, that's for others to judge.
George Carlin
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
George Carlin
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
George Carlin
The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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