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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Ever
Never
Coats
Think
Thanksgiving
Thinking
Laid
Notice
Bed
Seem
Seems
More quotes by George Carlin
We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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Life is a zero sum game.
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In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
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Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
George Carlin
