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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Thinking
Laid
Notice
Bed
Seem
Seems
Ever
Never
Coats
Think
Thanksgiving
More quotes by George Carlin
Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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You never see a smiling runner.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.
George Carlin
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
