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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Aren
Play
Many
People
Bagpipes
Hooked
Crack
Cracks

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The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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