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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Play
Many
People
Bagpipes
Hooked
Crack
Cracks
Aren

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I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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