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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Bagpipes
Hooked
Crack
Cracks
Aren
Play
Many
People

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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
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Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.
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If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
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Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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