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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
People
Bagpipes
Hooked
Crack
Cracks
Aren
Play
Many

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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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I hope I'm beginning a new cycle of energy and creativity. If so, it'll really be my third career. The first was as a straight comic in the Sixties. The second was as a counterculture performer in the Seventies. The third will be...well, that's for others to judge.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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