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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
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Film Actor
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Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
George Carlin
Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
George Carlin
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
George Carlin
I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
George Carlin
I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject.
George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
George Carlin
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
George Carlin
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
George Carlin
Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
George Carlin
Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
George Carlin
The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
George Carlin
What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
George Carlin
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
George Carlin