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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
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Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
George Carlin
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
George Carlin
Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
George Carlin
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
George Carlin
By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
George Carlin