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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Humor
Knew
Transsexual
Guy
Transsexuals
Funny
Homosexuality
Mary
Ambition
Whose
Drink

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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
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What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
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I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep hogs and cows get slaughtered.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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