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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Humans
Tennis
Great
Satisfied
Shoes
Species
Became
Instead
Light
Human
Lights
More quotes by George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
George Carlin
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
George Carlin
Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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What year did Jesus think it was?
George Carlin
Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
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My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.
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I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
George Carlin
The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
George Carlin
We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
George Carlin