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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Species
Became
Instead
Light
Human
Lights
Humans
Tennis
Great
Satisfied
Shoes
More quotes by George Carlin
Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
George Carlin
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
George Carlin
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
George Carlin
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
George Carlin
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
George Carlin
All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
George Carlin
There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
George Carlin
The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
George Carlin
They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
George Carlin
Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
George Carlin
The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
George Carlin
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
George Carlin
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
George Carlin
To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
George Carlin
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
George Carlin
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
George Carlin
Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
George Carlin