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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Became
Instead
Light
Human
Lights
Humans
Tennis
Great
Satisfied
Shoes
Species
More quotes by George Carlin
Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
George Carlin
I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
George Carlin
Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
George Carlin
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
George Carlin
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
George Carlin
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
George Carlin
It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
George Carlin
Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
George Carlin
If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
George Carlin
It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
George Carlin
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
George Carlin
Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
George Carlin
Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
George Carlin
hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.
George Carlin
They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
George Carlin
Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
George Carlin
You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
George Carlin
