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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Kids
Bambi
Midnight
Hips
Saws
Show
Shows

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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
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By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
George Carlin