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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Kids
Bambi
Midnight
Hips
Saws
Show
Shows

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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
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