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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Feelings
Remember
Orphanage
Staring
Envy
Feeling

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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
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I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.
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When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.
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Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
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Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
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