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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Remember
Orphanage
Staring
Envy
Feeling
Feelings

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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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The ritual was very important to me: cleaning the pot, rolling the pot.
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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