Quote

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Child
Littles
Little
Children
Work
Skipped
Something
Grab
Way
Breakfast
Humor

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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
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