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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Radio Personality
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Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Work
Skipped
Something
Grab
Way
Breakfast
Humor
Child
Littles
Little
Children
More quotes by George Carlin
Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
George Carlin
Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
George Carlin
I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
George Carlin
Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
George Carlin
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
George Carlin
Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
George Carlin
When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
George Carlin
Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
George Carlin
Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
George Carlin
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
George Carlin
In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
George Carlin
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
George Carlin
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
George Carlin
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
George Carlin
Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
George Carlin
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
George Carlin
I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
George Carlin
Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
George Carlin
And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
George Carlin
I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
George Carlin
