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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Story
Religion
Stories
Time
Bullshit
Easily
Greatest

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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
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In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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