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How is it possible to have a civil war?
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
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Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
George Carlin
I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
George Carlin
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
George Carlin
The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
George Carlin
I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
George Carlin
The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
George Carlin
As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
George Carlin
Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
George Carlin
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner he killed everyone he came in contact with.
George Carlin
I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.
George Carlin
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
George Carlin
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
George Carlin
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.
George Carlin
Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
George Carlin
I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
George Carlin
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.
George Carlin
