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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Makes
Ever
Sarcastic
Everything
Witty
Humorous
God
Dies
Perfect
Funny

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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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