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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Funny
Makes
Ever
Sarcastic
Everything
Witty
Humorous
God
Dies
Perfect

More quotes by George Carlin

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One of the interesting things about outsidership is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off.
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
George Carlin
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
George Carlin
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
George Carlin
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
George Carlin
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I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.
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The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
George Carlin
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
George Carlin
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
George Carlin
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The future will soon be a thing of the past.
George Carlin
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
George Carlin
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When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.
George Carlin
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
George Carlin
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
George Carlin
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
George Carlin
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
George Carlin