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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Funny
Music
Ever
Come
Thing
Good
Humor
Religion
More quotes by George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin
Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
George Carlin
And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
George Carlin
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
George Carlin
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
George Carlin
I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
George Carlin
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
George Carlin
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
George Carlin
No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
George Carlin
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
George Carlin
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
George Carlin
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
George Carlin
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
George Carlin
Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin
My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.
George Carlin
If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
George Carlin
