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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Driveway
Park
Parks
Silly
Drive

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The future will soon be a thing of the past.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Your home is your refuge.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
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Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.
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In the doggie dictionary, under bow wow it says, See arf arf.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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