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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Park
Parks
Silly
Drive
Driveway

More quotes by George Carlin

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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
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What year did Jesus think it was?
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
George Carlin
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
George Carlin
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
George Carlin
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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