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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Little
Investment
Trying
Spend
Life
Humor
Apiece
People
Wonder
Spelling
Water
Backward
Funny
Savings
Littles
Bottles
Ever
Saving

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All music is the blues. All of it.
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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Life is a zero sum game.
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
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