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Life is tough, then you die.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Tough
Dies
Life

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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner he killed everyone he came in contact with.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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Christian Deodorant: Thou Shalt Not Smell
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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