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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Tell
Wells
Well
Crappy
Always
Sarcastic
People
Witty
Humorous
Nice
Funny

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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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