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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Tell
Wells
Well
Crappy
Always
Sarcastic
People
Witty
Humorous
Nice
Funny

More quotes by George Carlin

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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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A pear is a failed apple.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
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I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.
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The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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Does killing time damage eternity?
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
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I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
George Carlin