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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Always
Sarcastic
People
Witty
Humorous
Nice
Funny
Tell
Wells
Well
Crappy
More quotes by George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
George Carlin
Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
George Carlin
Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
George Carlin
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
George Carlin
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
George Carlin
I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
George Carlin
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
George Carlin
By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
George Carlin
Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
George Carlin
I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
George Carlin
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
George Carlin
It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
George Carlin
Christian Deodorant: Thou Shalt Not Smell
George Carlin
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
George Carlin
When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.
George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
