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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Witty
Jew
Friday
Christians
Muslims
Humorous
Saturday
Gave
Sarcastic
Funny
Weekend
Christian
Jews
Three
Sunday
More quotes by George Carlin
No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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