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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Suck
Lots
Trouble
Ideas

More quotes by George Carlin

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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
George Carlin
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
George Carlin
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There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.
George Carlin
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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
George Carlin
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
George Carlin
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
George Carlin
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
George Carlin
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
George Carlin
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I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
George Carlin
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
George Carlin
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
George Carlin
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Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
George Carlin
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
George Carlin
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
George Carlin
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
George Carlin