Quote

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Things
Men
Burn
Time
Ten
Sky
Loves
Lives
Doesn
Long

More quotes by George Carlin

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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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One of the interesting things about outsidership is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off.
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I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
George Carlin
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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