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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
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Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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