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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Reason
Wedding
Men
Main
Stupid
Philosophy
Crazy
Funny
Truth
Craziness
Women
Ironic

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The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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