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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Humanity
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Stupidity
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Realize
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Realizing
Stupider
More quotes by George Carlin
I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
George Carlin
