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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Empty
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Half
Pessimism
Bigs
Twice
Others
Optimism
Needs
Glass
People
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
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I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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