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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Wealth
Call
American
Funny
Dream
Asleep
Believe
Sarcastic
Witty
Humorous
More quotes by George Carlin
I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
George Carlin
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
George Carlin
Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
George Carlin
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
George Carlin
One of the interesting things about outsidership is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off.
George Carlin
