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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
American
Funny
Dream
Asleep
Believe
Sarcastic
Witty
Humorous
Wealth
Call

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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
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A pear is a failed apple.
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood - the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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