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What year did Jesus think it was?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Humor
Year
Religion
Jesus
Funny
Years
Think
Thinking
Genuine

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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
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I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
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Life is a series of dogs.
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
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