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What year did Jesus think it was?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Funny
Years
Think
Thinking
Genuine
Humor
Year
Religion
Jesus

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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
George Carlin
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Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
George Carlin
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
George Carlin