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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Genuine
Members
Ovations
Standing
Ovation
Audience
Punch
Another
Corny
Become
Commonplace
Need
Kick
Needs
Kicks

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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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