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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Genuine
Members
Ovations
Standing
Ovation
Audience
Punch
Another
Corny
Become
Commonplace
Need
Kick
Needs
Kicks
More quotes by George Carlin
One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
George Carlin
It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
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Does killing time damage eternity?
George Carlin
Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
George Carlin
