Quote

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Become
Commonplace
Need
Kick
Needs
Kicks
Genuine
Members
Ovations
Standing
Ovation
Audience
Punch
Another
Corny

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The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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What year did Jesus think it was?
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
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