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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Always
Delivering
Humorous
Suicide
Listening
Realize
Realizing
Death
Eulogy
Someone
Relieved

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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows there's just nothing special about their content.
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I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
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Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
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