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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Humorous
Suicide
Listening
Realize
Realizing
Death
Eulogy
Someone
Relieved
Always
Delivering

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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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