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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Charge
Genuine
Kill
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When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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