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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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Kill
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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Life is a series of dogs.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
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I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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